I think that these are prolly funnier than most of the onest that I posted. Each quote was hand selected for it's charm and wit. Roflmao .... or it's reflection of overall current cynicism....roflmao
I miss my ex but my aim is getting better.
Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don't want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked....
That which doesn't kill you, makes you wish it did
Let go of my ears. I know what I'm doing!
Would you like a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up?
Happiness is a belt fed weapon
Calling Subway employees "Sandwich Artists" is an insult to both sandwiches and artists.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Your village called, they want their idiot back
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Why don't you go outside and play Hide-and-go-fuck-yourself.
The Clitoris – Natures Rubrics cube.
Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison,
When life gives you lemons.... find a kid with a paper cut.
Don't say something is half empty. Say it's half full of shit.
The only problem with doing something right the first time is no-one really appreciates how difficult it was.
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t walk around nude.......ever.
Life is like a box of chocolates? Yeah, maybe, if you're allergic to cocoa powder and you break out in hives.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
A REAL TRAVEL ADVENTURE
A rather confused woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." Needless to say, the agent was rather confused by the request. "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, I’m sure," said the client. "What flights to you have?" The agent got on the computer and tried every airport code in the country but couldn't come up with a city named Hippopotamus. She finally got back on the phone and told the person on the other end that she had had no luck locating a city with that name. "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured the map of New York state looking for any city that might vaguely sound or look like Hippopotamus. Finally, and as a last ditch effort; asked the woman, "You don’t, by any chance mean Buffalo, do you?" "Oh, right, that's it. I knew it was a big animal."
THAT'S JUST GOOFY!
The management of Walt Disney World, after two months of negotiation, finally relented and no longer makes the costume character actors share their underwear. Before the final settlement the actors were only allowed to wear Disney provided underwear that were laundered and passed out randomly. The actor complained to management that the underwear was often not clean, smelled bad, had stains and "things have been passed around." Actors will now be allowed to have personal underwear, that Disney will issue, and the employees can take home and launder themselves. Of course this won't affect the character of Donald Duck because, as we know, he doesn’t wear any pants.
RESUME OR RESUME NOT
In keeping with the "How did they get hired" question posed earlier, Fortune Magazine (July 21, 1997) put out an article which listed items from real resumes and cover letters. Here are some highlights:
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. "
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. "
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. "
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. "
* "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. "
A rather confused woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." Needless to say, the agent was rather confused by the request. "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, I’m sure," said the client. "What flights to you have?" The agent got on the computer and tried every airport code in the country but couldn't come up with a city named Hippopotamus. She finally got back on the phone and told the person on the other end that she had had no luck locating a city with that name. "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured the map of New York state looking for any city that might vaguely sound or look like Hippopotamus. Finally, and as a last ditch effort; asked the woman, "You don’t, by any chance mean Buffalo, do you?" "Oh, right, that's it. I knew it was a big animal."
THAT'S JUST GOOFY!
The management of Walt Disney World, after two months of negotiation, finally relented and no longer makes the costume character actors share their underwear. Before the final settlement the actors were only allowed to wear Disney provided underwear that were laundered and passed out randomly. The actor complained to management that the underwear was often not clean, smelled bad, had stains and "things have been passed around." Actors will now be allowed to have personal underwear, that Disney will issue, and the employees can take home and launder themselves. Of course this won't affect the character of Donald Duck because, as we know, he doesn’t wear any pants.
RESUME OR RESUME NOT
In keeping with the "How did they get hired" question posed earlier, Fortune Magazine (July 21, 1997) put out an article which listed items from real resumes and cover letters. Here are some highlights:
* "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms. "
* "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
* "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
* "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. "
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. "
* "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. "
* "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. "
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